| something-ships, everything else that's dear to my life, and me me me.
a.k.a. "if you want to waste time, read on"
a.k.a. incoherent stuff
it's surprising to me how much the friendships i have with really close friends here resemble the one relationship i had in high school. i've always thought of the two as different things... they're like apples and oranges and they should have nothing to do with each other and cant be compared. but no. i guess i've never really learned how to establish good friendships... which is probably why that relationship never worked out. now that i think of it, it's the same thing, really. except relationships have that extra element of... non-platonic love? i'm not really sure where to cut the line between relationships and friendships.
but anyway, so the one thing that's always been missing in a non-working something-ship is trust. now that i'm on the receiving end of distrust, i'm feeling the pain. once in a while you can just hide the pain and disguise it with a feeble smile. but sometimes i get so insulted i just want to yell to that person "why dont you just TRUST me?" and even if you dont trust ME, trust our friendship. only YOU know how much we've been through these 1.5 quarters. i know it's not a long time, but still, it should have been enough to show you that really, if i had to choose between harming you in any way or getting a D in math class, i'd choose the D (ouch, that hurts just thinking about it).
now i can call myself a hypocrite. i suppose that last paragraph was written to myself as well as some special people who i think should really receive that message. i'm a cynical person - no doubt. but the people who dont know the real me call me naive in sharing all my thoughts with them. but if you really knew me, you'd know how protective (possessive?) i am of my thoughts, my ideas, and everything else i can call "mine." then there's the paranoia factor, which leads me to act "fake" - or whatever it's called when you do something that's not really yourself so other people can "like" you. then i hide everything that's me. because i dont trust you.
it's funny how many times you can breach your implicit contract of friendship with me and how many times i can just forget about it and let it go back as if nothing bad ever happened. either i'm dumb or i'm just forgetful. i hope the former. it's my newfound theory that dumb people succeed in life. and i wont elaborate.
speaking of contract... debate was fun this weekend. it made me wish i did debate in high school. there's so much logic, research, and thinking in it, i'm sure i could have been better prepared for all this thinking i'm forced to do in my ihum class here. but anyway, it was fun seeing what a wide range of human interactions and emotions is expressed in a round of LD. my favorite round by far was judging joshi and his opponent - loved it because the way MJ debated was just so calm and nice, it made you want to vote for him. grrr for whoever didnt vote for him - i thought the 30 speaker points i gave him could have balanced anything out. but it was great watching his opponent snickering and almost speaking too loud. she almost single-handedly created a catfight. so then there's nade - he's so like himself in real life when he's debating, kinda weird. i see other debaters talking all nice once the timer goes off and they're in performance. then everything's different when they get out. it reminds me of how human beings are in life - when there are eyes staring at you, you do what's "good," but you dont really have to when no one's watching. it's such a disgusting philosophy. but anyway, i enjoyed judging the kids. no wait, i enjoyed being paid for judging the kids. wheee, 60 bucks for our swear jar.. hahah.
whoa, i've really gone on a tangent. or.. really irrelevant stuff. how did i get here? *shrug* oh yeah, speaking of tangents... MATH ROCKS. i just realized how all my favorite teachers/profs (fregulia, oliviero, kawaguchi, baumback, friedland, vakil, goldstein) are math dudes! =) oh yeah, andrew, thank you for the e-mail "Pi encoding" haha. i enjoyed it but i never got a chance to write back... because... i dont know why. it's kind of random and irrational the e-mails i choose to reply back to. i used to sort my e-mail. now e-mail comes in faster than i have time to digest them (i really have no idea how all the spam mail gets to my stanford account... i dont sign up for ANYthing with that e-mail address), so i probably have like e-mails from december i still need to reply to. so yeah - you'll get your e-mail reply some day. if it's sometime this year, feel special.
there's been some great times this weekend, hanging out with special people. it was fun kareoking (i really dont know how to spell that word) in larkin west. boa is so pretty! but jay chou will always be my favorite. i'll get them lyrics down one of these days.. yi-ren singing is quite entertaining - especially michelle branch. and chris's "tell me why" with interesting facial expressions that'll be known only to those present friday night. and then CHICAGO - i loved it! cant wait till i watch moulin rouge with my roomie (her favorite!). oh, and sam the bitter boy missed my piano night.
saturday night was fun as well. i was supposed to do my essay (ha!), but that didnt really happen. what really happened was a night of fun in cupertino that was missing special people. it reminded me of the night in san francisco last quarter though - again in wilmot's nice car. the best part of the night was watching jay go crazy shopping at 99 ranch market - he bought over $130 worth of groceries. the receipt was longer than the digits of pi ever calculated (j/k). chinese food. candy. q-cup. golfland (everything's so tiny, i wanna live there!). cosmic bowling. all that was missing was the 5 in the 3-4-5 to share all the fun with. i dont like writing summaries like this because it's really the subtleties--the kind that are forgotten the next day--that are what made the time great. but ehh..
oh, i had a great time in the library the other day. it was my first time venturing into the stacks in green since i've been at stanford. when the elevator door on the other side first opened, it felt like i was walking in one of those secret passages you'd only find in harry potter.. haha. and i spent forever walking down and up the aisles... and it was great.. and i checked out a book for the first time here at stanford... and i got back to the dorms and i found that it had nothing to do with what i needed. SIGH. but it's alright, good times.
recently i've started collections of the most random things - post-its people write to me, nametags i get from conferences/ceremonies/meetings, pretty candy wrappers, nicer grocery/store bags (e.g. cheesecake factory). if someone understands the psychology behind that, please tell me. oh, and pictures. i like collecting pictures. for the past two hours, other than typing away, i've been looking at the pictures on the ferris wheel picture frame amy rikki and katie got me. i especially love the pictures with alex, jay, rikki, varun, and herman.. it makes me really happy when i get to be around these kids. =)
i feel like such a lucky girl sometimes. i dont know how i got this lucky. some people only get to enjoy the accompaniment of their dormmates. and some people only hang out with their high school friends. i'm so lucky i got to know all these fun and kind kids from stanford and not from stanford (wait, that'd be just grace). and although we dont talk much, i'm so glad i got to meet kids like anne and emily and adam and daryl and alan.
life is good when you dont think ahead. sometimes i see little kids running around with their parents and i'm just like "ooooHH! i want one!" - how horrible of me! but really though. those kids that i see running around smiling all happy - what makes me happy isnt really them - what makes me happy are the parents who achieved that. being a parent is so hard... you have to make decisions for them that they might hate later on... and they'll hate you even though you only did what you think was good for them.. and then... siiigh..... so sometimes i feel sad and bad for being such a bad girl in high school. *cries*
eye lids wanna close now. it's pretty dry tonight - except for some e-tearing going on. but yeah, i couldnt have wasted the past two hours in a better way. if you actually read 1% of all this, congrats, you deserve a brownie, of which i currently dont have. but if you really want one, i'll be making them some time this weekend. no deliveries (ha! sucks for you, alan).
oh, by the way, it's valentine's vacation week in my room. we have christmas valentine lights, heart lights, heart things that hang from the ceiling, animals with cute lil phrases on them, teddy bears that stick on windows, big hearts that say "be my valentine!", and two big loving hearts (that's me and laura).
wow that felt good. and pointless. |
